Anxiety and beginnings.
|If you are like me, you have a serious problem.|
You have a constant discomfort.Your inner self is a mix of fear, confusion, regret, anger and irritability.All compacted into one constant inner discomfort.
And maybe, like me, you have started over several times .You have had several new beginnings, where you have started an effort to make your life into what you want it to be.It may not have been directly about dealing with your anxiety, but indirectly, like a new school year, a new job, or any other way in which you have tried to turn your life around.
But after a while you get to a point where you just can't deal with it anymore.Things come up which you don't feel you are prepared to handle, you are filled with negative emotions and you just can't focus on what you are doing anymore.
So you give up.You escape.
You do whatever minimum you have to do to get by, and otherwise you only do what you can to avoid negative thoughts and emotions.You sit around your house all the time, you watch TV, you surf the net.You neglect your surroundings, and you neglect yourself.
You drift around aimlessly, maybe for days, maybe for weeks, maybe even for months or years.
But of course, you are not totally engulfed in your escape.You still wish to overcome this, you want inner peace, you want happiness, you want to have a fulfilling and good life.Even though you are maybe in such a state of negativity that you can't even imagine yourself having a good life.But it's always in the back of your mind, a little flame of desire, a vague vision of what you want your life to be.
So while you are busy ignoring reality, you sometimes think about making an effort.You think a little, you make some small attempts to get yourself going. You are trying to get momentum, but progress is slow.
And then we come to the main point about this post, since we are talking about beginnings.
You have probably said to yourself things like:
"This isn't the right time to start something"
"I don't have the right feeling to get myself going"
"I'm not in the right state of mind"
You don't have the right "feeling" to get yourself going right now.
But what does that really mean?
I think that a key aspect of it is that you don't see clearly the purpose of the things you are doing.You don't feel confident that there is a connection between the everyday tasks that you are doing and the long lasting goals of happiness and inner peace.
And these everyday tasks can be several different things.
Not making an effort at work or school, not exercising, not eating right, not trying to become more social.Not being continuously focused and determined on what you are doing.If you are very depressed and unmotivated it can be things like neglecting your personal hygiene, neglecting your surroundings, not cleaning your house or apartment and son on.
You don't see the purpose.
You can't give yourself a satisfying answer to questions like "Why should i be doing this?" "Why should i WANT do be doing this?".
Now, if you are simply thinking about it in very general terms, the answer can be very obvious.The things you are doing, the mundane everyday things at school or at work and otherwise should contribute to bringing you closer to the things you really want in life.Enjoyment, experiences, pleasures, peace, excitement and your general well being.
That's not really hard to understand is it?
Ideally you should just be able to tell yourself this when you are feeling unmotivated for something you are doing, and the intellectual realization that what you are doing serves a higher purpose should give you a better feeling about doing it.
When you try to motivate yourself, you probably try to imagine yourself where you have always wanted to be. You try to feel how good it would be to reach it, to be there.Why? Because if you can succeed in getting rid of negative emotions for a moment, you can THINK more clearly.And then you might be able to "see" the general steps you have to take to get where you want to be.
But of course, sometimes it just doesn't work that way.
Sometimes you just cannot make yourself feel good about doing something.
You just can't make yourself motivated to the extent that you would like.
Well, one thing is that there are no guarantees in life, there is no guarantee that you will succeed, but that is true for anyone regardless of their own thoughts and emotions.
And if you have failed many times before, you will probably have a degree of fear that your efforts are pointless, that you will fail again.
Another thing is that if you have many problems, many fears, you either want to sit around procrastinating on them, or do something to ignore them.You will have a problem when you have to use your mind to focus on doing something, you are trying to focus, but you have so many unresolved issues in your head.
So, you can't get the right "feeling".
Well the thing is, you are waiting for something which anyway wont last, even if you do get it.
You have probably had "right moments" or "right feelings" before, a moment of clarity when your negative emotions died down for a moment, and you could see yourself at your goal. You felt good and you were thinking clearly, you started thinking about the steps you would have to take, and you made a connection from where you was at the time to where you wanted to be.You maybe even felt that this was a whole new beginning, it would be EASY, you could see it, you just had to follow the steps.
Maybe a few minutes, hours or days later, reality came up and smacked you in the face.And you realized that the moment of good feelings and clarity was gone.
So what is it you are looking for which wont last anyway?
You are looking for a lasting good feeling, a lasting peace of mind. You want your everyday struggle of working on overcoming obstacles and realizing your dreams to be interesting and exciting and nice.
But that's looking at your situation somewhat backwards.
You are looking for something which never comes at the beginning.
You will have to be making some tangible progress before you will get a good feeling which will last.You have to get a taste of success, you have to see that your efforts might take you somewhere.That is the "right feeling" you are looking for, and it is very unlikely that you can have it without doing some work, some HARD work, where there will be many days when you just don't feel good.
You are waiting for a lasting peace of mind you can't have without working on it.You are waiting for a deeper understanding you can't obtain without working on it.You are waiting for a happiness you can't have without working on it.
If you are feeling good one day, if you have a moment of clarity, it is a fleeting moment.Such a moment doesn't change who you are, you have the same unsolved problems, you have the same unaccomplished goals.
You cannot wait for the moment to be right, the moment will never be EXACTLY right, and it certainly wont last.
You WILL start loosing sight of your goals, you WILL start loosing faith.And if you think there are any other lasting solution than enduring and carefully working through it you are wrong.
Happiness is something you build, success is something you build.You have to start with whatever mess you're in, and you have to start cleaning up that mess.
The only "right moment" which is worth talking about is the moment when you have the opportunity to take a little step further towards realizing your dreams.
And that moment is, as always...
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